Big Dreamer

Three fridays ago, our guru on relationships, joe d mango, read a letter
to his wife on his popular radio program Love Notes. For the past 11
years, he had been giving advice to people who would write him letters
about their personal problems. To the surprise of his listeners that
friday, instead of reading one of his usual letters, he read one that he
had written himself to his wife Bing. Joe felt that he had to tell his
listeners that even someone like him could go through a marital crisis,
but that he survived it. Here's how his letter goes.

In our 11 years of marriage it was just the two of us. I never had a
close circle of friends and she never had one either. Life for us was
just "you and me," day in and day out. We were literally sleeping beside
each other for 11 years. It came to point that there was nothing more
interesting to talk about. I was aware I was doing that but I never did
anything about it. We were so close yet it seemed like we were so
distant. Then came her new circle of friends.

They recently had an elementary and high school reunion. Remember her
persistent suitor since elementary days? He was there. We already had
four daughters and the guy had four kids of his own. They exchanged
phone numbers. They started to text each other and this bothered me. a
big part of it was insecurity and other part was that she once denied
that she was texting the guy.

I felt bad because she started hiding things from me. Then the guy asked
her if they could meet for lunch. It became a source of tension between
us. I finally agreed, but before that, I told her that I felt that I was
going through the same pain again. I have seen so many stories like
this. If you told me the first part of the story I would already know
where it would lead to.

Bing accused me of being a "know-it-all" person. But deep in my heart I
knew where she was heading. Why would a married guy see a married girl
unless it was for business or professional reasons? Finally, even if it
was against my will, I drove her to the meeting place.
While I was waiting at the radio station, I wanted to call her but knew
it wasn't proper. So I just waited for her to tell me how their meeting
went.

When she related to me what happened I felt that she was keeping the
other details. I was afraid to ask because I wasn't prepared to accept
her answers. I told her that it would be best if that was their last
meeting. She got mad and told me that I was starting to control her life.
The following day, I saw a small, torn piece of paper that had the
words,"lose you" in the trash can at home. I started picking up the
pieces of paper and putting them together. She had written: "Felt sad
because I felt that this will be our last meeting." "Wanted to hug
you..." Before I could figure out what the third one was, Bing was
already at my back. She wanted to get the torn pieces of paper back. She
said it was private property. We decided to talk.
By then, I was able to figure out the third line: "Not sure if afraid to
lose you." She had crossed it out and beside it, she had written,
"Wanted to cry."

That was what hit me. How could you lose something that's not even with
you yet? That was a confirmation that she was getting emotionally
attached to the guy. We fought because she didn't want to admit it.. She
said that what she had written was all about friendship and not about
love. For the first time in our marriage she asked for freedom from me.
For 11 years we were always together,and now this.

She had discovered her own little world and wanted to explore it. I
didn't want to give it to her but finally I gave in. I told her that she
could do anything she wanted and not worry about how I would feel. In
fact, I told her that I was planning to leave her and kids for a while
so we could give each other the chance to be alone. We decided to give
the new arrangement a try.

The following day, Thursday, I went to work early and she texted me. I
never answered back. When I didn't respond, she called me. She said,
"I'm sorry. I love you and I miss you." For the first time in our
mariage I said, "I love you and I miss you too" with tears in my eyes.
I realized how much I loved her but I also knew how much she wanted her
freedom. When I arrived at the station I asked for a leave. My boss
advised me to think it over, but he said that he would allow me to on
leave. After letting it all out I felt relieved. It was the first time
in my life that I asked for advice about our relationship.

While I was talking with my boss, a messenger arrived with 12 white
roses arranged in a basket. It came from Bing. Then a text message on my
cellphone came, "I know that no material things can ease the pain that
you'refeeling right now, but these flowers signify my pure and sincere
intentions.

I'm really sorry. Please forgive me."

Still, a question continued to bug me: "I'm giving you the freedom. Will
you choose to stay or go on?" I read the card, and it had the answer to
my question: "Dear Dad, I finally realized that I made a very big
mistake in choosing a newfound friendship at the expense of our
long-time friendship. Please forgive me. I wil always love you."
Bing called the guy and told him that she wanted to end the
friendship.He said that they could just text or call each other. Bing
said that there was no need.

We had dinner and talked up to 1 am. It was like getting married all
over again. We lost each other and found our way back. I do not want to
go through the same pain again.

Friday came and it was the first time in the history of Love Notes that
I couldn't do Love Notes. I scheduled a replay. When I was at the
station at 9am,I composed a letter to Bing. I was asking myself, should
I read this or do a replay? I chose to read the letter. It is not
unusual to hear people say "I love you because...," but this story has
shown us that the deeper and greater love is having to say "I LOVE YOU
IN SPITE OF..."